Twev1701.net

Nov
01
2009

Daddy Is More Than Just A Word

So this is it; the post I have been slowly writing in my head the last few weeks. I have approached and then re-approached this post from so many angles that my head feels like it’s caught in a tailspin. So I have decided to just open up Word and start writing what comes to mind. Here we go…

As I sit here on this chilly morning of November the first, two thousand and nine, I am left with many things dancing across my mind as I sip on my second mug of hot green tea.

My first thought is how good Sting’s new CD, ‘If On A Winter’s Night…’ is. It has kept me company this morning filling my thoughts and senses with the feeling of winter and its ubiquitous Holiday, Christmas. I have been looking forward to this approaching Christmas all year. No, it’s not for the gifts that will be exchanged between friends and family, but for the sole experience of family. What do I mean? Let’s talk about family.

I sit here on the eve of my son’s third week of being out of the womb. I thought I knew what to expect when the time came to really be a father (post womb) but I was not prepared for certain experiences, which is something that is rare in my life. You see, I tend to be an information junkie. Couple that with my obsessive personality, and you have someone who wants to learn everything about a given subject or situation that he is either interested in, or about to come face to face with. Just ask my wife if you do not believe me. I could tell you without hesitating the name of the planet where SG-1 discovered their first ZPM (Zero Point Module) – which is Praclarush Taonas by the way – but I would not be able to tell you what 95% of the stuff under the hood of my car does. Why? Because I’m not a car guy, however, I am a sci-fi guy. So, back on track people. I thought I knew what it was going to be like to be a dad simply from talking with my own father, my friends who have since become fathers, and the best parent a boy could have, the Internet.

First, let me dispel something all fathers now know. No amount of information, no amount of talk, and certainly no amount of research will prepare you for witnessing the birth of your first child. I thought I was prepared both intellectually and emotionally, and I was wrong on both counts. Watching my wife go through what she did made my heart hurt. No one wants to see their loved one go through unimaginable amounts of pain, whether it has a good outcome or not. I kept promising her that if I had access to Asgard beaming technology I would beam Jackson out. (Stargate joke) After watching her struggle with getting our son out with over 2 hours of pushing, it was finally show time. When I saw my son’s head starting to come out, I thought it was pretty cool. When I quickly realized that was only part of his head when It tripled in size and quickly grew eyes and a nose, I was duly impressed. Then, in one last push, I saw my son’s entire body literally leap from my wife’s in one smooth motion. When they laid him on my wife’s chest, I was literally speechless. Again, nothing could have prepared me for that moment. I instantly wanted to cry tears of unbridled joy. Instead, I kept my focus since not only was my wife’s mother crying in a chair on the other side of the room, but being my wife’s coach, I did not want her to lose her focus. We’re still weren’t done here. The doctor handed me a pair of scissors and I cut my son’s umbilical cord. After that, they rushed him over to what I affectionately called the ‘landing platform’ and started making sure he was good to go. I stayed with my wife for a few minutes until we got the thumbs up for the nurses. At that time, my mother-in-law took my place at my wife’s side and I went to our son’s to make sure everything was all right. I remember looking down at him as he lay there and instinctively extended my pinkie out to him and he grabbed a hold of it with all the strength someone only 3 minutes old could muster. It was at that moment that for the first time in the 10 months we had been pregnant, this was all real to me. There I stood, holding my son’s hand. Wow.

After checking in with my wife, I told her I was going to let the rest of our family know that Jackson had made it into this world unharmed and unscathed. She smiled through tears and told me to go. I left my wife with her mother and headed out into the hallway. I made it about 15 feet before I had to stop and compose myself. The emotions finally hit me full force. I found myself doing something that I do not do easily – I was crying. But these were not tears of sorry, but of pure joy. I could only remember one other time in my life where I shed pure tears of joy and happiness – at my wedding when I saw my wife walk into the chapel in her wedding gown. I then realized why I had only done this twice in my 32 years on this planet. These were the only times I had that ‘prefect moment’. Everything was right in the universe at that moment. Nothing else mattered. Life was perfect.

Composing myself after a few minutes, I made way to the exit of the delivery ward, which was right across the hall from the waiting room. In there, I saw our collected families. It was also at that moment that I got to do what every son hopes to do one day; I got to tell my dad I was a dad. We shook hands and gave that nod that only guys can do. We understood each other now. Without speaking, I now understood why he’s done everything he has up and to this point. It wasn’t about him; it was about his kids.

I left the waiting room promising to come back out once we had a green light to have visitors. I headed back to our room. Upon arriving, they were just wrapping up my son in blankets. They were still working on my wife and waiting for more pain meds, so I got to be the lucky person to hold my son. When they put him in my arms, life once again changed in ways I could never have imagined. Just like in that unspoken conversation my father and I just had, I understood my dad more in that moment then I ever have in the past 32 years. When you hold your son for the first time, time literally stops. Time becomes non-linear. You see the past and the future laid out before you life you would a timeline in a book. You see yourself in that little man in your arms and imagine what it was like for your dad to hold you for the first time. Then you imagine what it’s going to be like for your son to hold his first son in the far off future when you’re the one waiting anxiously in small room with a TV and a vending machine. I saw my son’s first words, first steps, first day of school, first driving lesson, his graduation day, his wedding day, and the day I would give him the same handshake I just got. All of that took place in a mere few seconds. All I could do was smile. I the past 5 years I was lucky enough to get everything I had ever wanted. I now had my own family. I have a wife I love beyond what words can express and a son that is now my very reason for being.

Since that day, I make it a rule to constantly keep a picture of my son with me, whether it’s on my computer as my desktop wallpaper, or on my iPhone. Whenever I get stressed, worried about money, or think that things just aren’t going right, I pull out that picture and look at my son, Jackson. When I look into his eyes, I know that no matter what, everything is going to be all right. I’m his father, and he is my son. As long as that never changes, life will always be good.

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