Here’s a little list I’ve compiled to help you leave my store alive and not get impailed by a curtain rod:
If you any see maybe one or two people per department and can’t seem to get help because they’re all busy with people who were smart enough to get there before you, please, either try and find the item yourself or just wait. But no matter what, DO NOT tell us that “you guys need more people here” once we do get to know. I think we know that when we’re coveing 3 departments at once Mr. Hawking.
If you see a cart full of cardbaord in the middle of an aisle, please leave it alone. This isn’t some mysterious friend you have never met “saving” you a cart by sticking random pieces of cardbaord in it. No matter how much you may think it’s “okay” to take all of that cardboard out, leave it on the floor, and use the cart for your own uses because you’re too much of a lazy bastard to go get your own, here a hint…IT’S NOT!
If you see 5 items that are exactly a like in 5 different colors, please do not call us over and ask us if we have it in a sixth color. Asshole, don’t you think it would be next to the other five colors if we had it?
On a major Holiday where we’re all forced to be there (such as Easter), please do not come in and tell us “You know it’s s shame you guys have to work on a Holiday”. Hey dipshit, we’re only here because you’re here. If you had any common sense you’d stay home and spend the day with your family instead of coming all the way up here for that single 3/8 castillated nut that was keeping you from enjoying your Easter ham.
If you press one of out little “help buttons” while you can actually see or, or better yet, hit it while looking directly into our already busy eyes, you just earned yourself a place as one of our most hated people. If you see we’re busy, hitting that button isn’t going to allow us to automatically split into two like some sort of weird ameoba. There’s still only one of us no matter how many of those things go off. Sorry.
Speaking of those “help buttons”. If you’re going to hit one, please make sure it’s for what the button is for. Please don’t hit my Key Cutting button and then ask me to mix you paint. I’m libel to mix you brain around with a nice 6″ lag bolt.
And as for the Key Cutting, do you have any idea how retarted you sound when we start the process and you say “Boy, you guys have it easy now a days!” If we have it so easy here why did you just have to wait 10 minutes for me to show up asshole? It’s wasier because we’re busier. Sure, a locksmith still uses a manual machine, but guess what? That’s all he does all day; locks and keys. He does have to worry about cutting rope, cutting shelving, or explaining to some mental midget about how to put on a garbage can lid. Just go home and play with your new key.
For those of you are are really pissed off because we’re sold out of something or you had to wait a long time and scream out “THAT’S IT, I”M GOING TO HOME DEPOT!!” like some kind of battle cry expecting to get us all fired up….please, go to Home Depot. In fact, we’ll give you directions and gas money. We don’t lose a single penny on that sales floor by you leaving. In fact, that’s one less asshole we have to deal with, So by all means sir, go to Home Depot.
If you see large, bright yellow banners that say “Sorry, This Aisle Is Temporarly Closed”, how in your little brain does it register that means everyone but you??? Let us know please because we’re all wondering about this one.
When you ask us if we have something, please, no accompanying story is required. I don’t care that the screw in your hand if from Johnny’s little artifical heart and if he doesn’t get it soon he’s going to bleed out in the car. I don’t need to hear about Johnny’s first step, how difficult a pregnancy he was, or how he like to play with army men in the tub. Just ask me for the screw, I get you the screw, and you get the hell out and save Johnny’s life. Quick, simple, easy.
This is just the beginning of the larger list. Since after tonight I am off for the next 2 days, if you keep these rules in mind tonight while shopping, we’re all be better people. As for me, I’m just doing whatever I can to make the night go quicker tonight. I want out!!
